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'Early diagnosis of autism could have prevented me from developing an illness that almost killed me' by Lula Flint (they/she)

Writer: debunkingdisabilit5
debunkingdisabilit5
Sep 10
3 min read

Early diagnosis of autism could have prevented me from developing an illness that almost killed me. 

“A gifted child, a pleasure to teach, but too quiet” – words used to describe me at every parent's evening through primary and secondary school. An intense fixation in numbers and patterns, and need for control, made me excel academically from an early age. At the same time, I remember being an extremely anxious child, having panic attacks over my primary school exams, being laughed at when trying to express feelings of anger and frustration, and scream crying at menial things like losing trinkets and not solving a maths problem right. I found out that to fit in I would have to mirror those around me. 


I found a perfect way to both appease my desire for control, and ease my social anxiety by finding a way to relate to my peers. I learnt from social media, and those around me that a teenage girl should be self-conscious, and be in a constant battle to shrink, so from the age of 12, as I came to feel different from everyone else, I focussed my time trying to stop my body from changing in form from child to teenager.Anorexia gave me a facet through which I could claw back for the control I was losing as my world expanded. My need for control as a way to regulate my brain thrived as I tracked every calorie, step, and kilogram. Of course, while giving me this sense of control that my brain loved, it really meant I was losing control of my life, as my eating disorder took over, and I spent years buried by my own self destruction. Through months of my own efforts, and the unimaginable support from my family, I survived. My brain became my own again, my thoughts no longer overshadowed by that of my illness. I hug that girl that was drowning and shrinking. I’m proud of them and I have learnt so much from them.


I have realised that my social differences and fixation on control stem from being autistic. My all or nothing brain that keeps me engrossed in maths problems, elaborate building projects, and music, had led me to fixation on exercise and eating, that would nearly kill me. I live with some resentment that what were clear signs of autism, while also living with other risk factors like anxiety, depression and self-harm, which were ignored until it was too late. Additionally, treatment for my eating disorder would have been more effective had my autism been diagnosed, and considered. 

While I am grateful for the person I am today, having a unique ability to break down societal expectations and systems, from my autism and experience with an eating disorder, I have been left with mental, and physical trauma, as have my family. I believe preventative measures and earlier support can lessen the risk of eating disorders for autistic people, and can improve the efficacy of treatment. 


I now find control to please my brain in healthy ways, and understand that for some, dieting and weight loss can be healthy, but with my all or nothing brain, it becomes a hyperfixation, and can’t be done healthily. Becoming friends with lots of likeminded autistic people, and accepting myself and the accommodations I need means I no longer have to suffer to try and fit in. (I have also come to not actually give a f*ck about societal beauty standards that are built on misogyny, paedophilia and for capitalism!)


☆ ☆ ☆


Please note this is just my experience and other people with autism and/or an eating disorder may not have the same experience.


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